Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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