I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
