I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
