you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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