That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
