everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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