I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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