you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
