Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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