We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
