If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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