There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
