I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
