She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My penis needs a shock collar
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
