I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Ladies don't puke and tell
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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