I hate your face
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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