I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
