I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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