I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you win again, gameday.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
