he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
