Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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