so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
