oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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