I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
