I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
