why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize