I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
