i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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