My hand turned me down
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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