you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
