So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
not ubering you a puppy
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
