3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
