I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
