dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
