The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
