I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
