And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
