i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
