I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
