and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
