6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
