So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
