wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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