I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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