i permit you to call me
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
