Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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