I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
