I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
