I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
