dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
