if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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