When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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