i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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