so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
