I wish my penis had an off switch
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
