just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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